Like many young families, my home is an absolute mess. We’re caught in the cycle of messy build-up that becomes outrageous, sending us into a frenzy of cleaning.
I recently joked with my wife that we should have more people over because we do our best cleaning when we know company is on its way.
The other day, the algorithm brought me a video from a creator who shares tips for parents and young families. He reminded me of the phrase,
“Never leave empty-handed.”
The idea is simple. Anytime you’re leaving a room, scan the area for something that doesn’t live in the room and grab it to put away. Don’t think too long, or start some new adventure because of it. Just grab it as you go about your day. So, this weekend I started saying that to myself.
At first, it was hard to pick what to take because there were so many options. But, after a while, progress started to be made.
Now, every room in my house is clean.
I’m kidding, it’s still a disaster. But it is a notably smaller disaster, and I feel better because I’m taking action now rather than later; however small that action may be.
The reason this seems to be working is that only some messes are made all at once, and the rest don’t happen if I walk out with the same things I brought. Also, if I have an extra hand, I can grab something from the big mess and make it that much smaller. Repeated over a few days or weeks, and things start to filter out. It’s a nice feeling and a good reminder that small things make up the big things.
As I was practicing this new habit, I realized how the same idea applies to people. What would it look like for someone to enter each interaction with someone else with the mindset “never leave empty-handed?”
I don’t mean this in some selfish sense. I mean it like cleaning a house. You’re not taking; you’re putting things where they belong. Do I benefit from a clean house? Sure, but my hands are full of service-in-action.
For example, a friend of mine has the remarkable quality of human connection. He seems to collect people and their stories like someone may collect baseball cards. But the way he uses his collection is as a conduit; a connector. He loves hearing people’s stories, and when a connection can be made between the person he’s talking to and someone he met earlier, he jumps on the opportunity to connect them. He never leaves a conversation empty-handed.
It’s also why I think I use tools like mirroring, labelling, and open-ended questions so often in my work. Instead of concocting some grand gesture or brilliant solution to my client’s problem, I start by understanding how the problem is impacting them. I remember one leader who was sharing about a conflict she had been dealing with for months. She wasn’t responding to ideas and strategies. So, I listened. After a while of listening, I thought I understood. So, I labeled: It sounds like you’re feeling exhausted from just trying to do the right thing.
And she began to weep.
The biggest impacts we have on others come when we can validate their experience without agreeing with their side of things. Few other actions make such a lasting impact as making someone feel understood and seen.
What would be different in our lives if we never left empty-handed and helped “clean up” as we went about our lives? It won’t solve the world’s problems. But it certainly could make them that much easier to tackle.
You'll talk to someone today. Maybe a colleague, a barista, your partner, or a stranger in line. When that conversation ends, don't leave empty-handed.
Learn their name.
Ask one real question.
Make one connection.
It takes seconds. And like my living room, the change won't be dramatic at first. But it compounds. The little things make up the big things.
Start carrying something out.
