Conflict is something most of us dread. The way we prepare for it, the way we navigate it – it often leaves us feeling uneasy, burdened by a storm of emotions and differing opinions.
We’ve been conditioned to view conflict as inherently unhealthy, a zero-sum game where one person wins at the expense of the other.
Compromise doesn’t have to be the best and fairest outcome we can hope for in conflict.
This mindset has led us to embrace compromise as the best possible outcome, leaving all parties equally dissatisfied. But compromise doesn’t have to be the best and fairest outcome we can hope for in conflict. In fact, I’m here to show you how to make it the fallback option, and it all starts with embracing stress.
Stress, often seen as the enemy in conflict, can actually be our most powerful tool. Within the realm of stress, we have not just one but two responses: the threat and the challenge response. Understanding when and how to engage these responses is essential for effective conflict resolution.
Threat and Challenge
The threat response, often referred to as the fight or flight response, causes us to close down and shield up. It’s all about survival, even if it means shutting down our body’s rational thinking. This phenomenon is known as “flooding.” During a threat response, our veins constrict to slow bleeding, paranoia sets in, and rational reasoning can go out the window.
On the flip side, the challenge response is all about embracing the moment, meeting the challenge head-on, learning, and forming deeper connections. We breathe more deeply, our hearts pump harder as blood vessels expand, and we become more trusting and willing to take risks. We enter a state where we are “in the zone,” seeing conflict as a challenge to overcome rather than a threat to subdue.
So, how do you determine which response to engage? The key is to assess whether you have the necessary resources to address the issue at hand. Do you possess the skills, experience, preparation, support from the right people, and the energy (hello stress response) to tackle the problem effectively?
In simple terms, if the issue seems more significant than your available resources, you will likely experience a threat response. On the other hand, if your resources outweigh the issue, you will engage the challenge response.
Seeing Stress as a Resource
Expanding your resource list is crucial, but this is where our preconceived notions about stress often become stumbling blocks. We’ve been taught that stress is a silent killer that must be avoided at all costs, which only reinforces the threat response in moments of conflict.
However, it’s important to recognize that stress is actually a valuable resource, providing the energy needed to confront the challenges we face.
Furthermore, the person we are in conflict with is not the problem but a significant resource to help us tackle the issue. Unfortunately, we often make the other person the issue, leading to feelings of threat during conflicts.
Healthy Conflict Means Meeting Needs
The other person in the conflict is grappling with the same concerns as you: “Am I being heard? Am I safe? Are my thoughts welcome?” Unhealthy conflict arises when these needs are at risk because it alters our behavior.
The key to avoiding unhealthy conflict lies in recognizing the importance of meeting the other person’s needs alongside your own.
In any interaction, we are continually monitoring how we feel. Specifically, we keep tabs on whether we feel heard, safe, and that we belong. If one or more of these aspects are compromised, our behavior will pivot accordingly.
For instance, if we feel unheard, we might raise our voice or adopt a more aggressive tone. However, this only triggers the other party, leading to a cycle of escalation and argument over who is right and who is in the wrong.
The key to avoiding unhealthy conflict lies in recognizing the importance of meeting the other person’s needs alongside your own. You can achieve this by understanding the narrative they are constructing in their mind and validating their perspective without reservation.
Winning in conflict is not about being right; it’s about mutual understanding of the issue and each other.
A classic example from the book “Getting to Yes” illustrates this beautifully: two siblings fighting over an orange. Stuck in gridlock, their mother finally asks why each wants the orange. One sibling desires the orange peel, while the other wants the juice. By asking “why,” a simple desire to understand, the conflict dissolves.
Striving For Understanding
Winning in conflict is not about being right; it’s about mutual understanding of the issue and each other. This is what leads to wise solutions for complex problems.
Conflict is not something to be feared but an opportunity for growth and understanding.
So, how can you become better at conflict resolution? It all starts with leaning in and seeking to understand. Begin by listening first, and then ask questions. By doing so, you can cultivate hope for productive conflict resolution and strengthen your ability to embrace stress as a resource for growth.
Conflict is not something to be feared but an opportunity for growth and understanding. By recognizing and managing our stress responses, we can shift our perspective from threat to challenge and open up new possibilities for resolution.
Moreover, by understanding and valuing the needs of others in a conflict, we can create an environment where mutual understanding, not being right, is the ultimate goal. Conflict can indeed be the pathway to wiser solutions for the most complex problems we encounter in life.
So, the next time you find yourself in a conflict, remember to embrace stress and seek to understand, and you may just find a path to resolution you never thought possible.
